Ok. The usual routine, I woke up early in the morning because of the pain in my arms and legs, tossing, turning around on my bed and can't get back to sleep. Started to hear the 4AM rosary prayer in the radio, made the sign of the cross, then went back minding the pain. It's the kind of pain where blood stopped running through your veins and half of your body starts to get numb but still get the tingling, sharp, stabbing feeling. It will be gone around 7AM. Yes, enduring it for 3 hours is no joke.

Things are getting worse again. My back is mildly swelling right now, just beside the the spine where it hurts usually. Maybe it got worst when I had a back massage. It hurts once in a while. Feeling mild chest pains again, both left and right. I know people are getting tired of hearing about my pains, I guess they wouldn't understand how I feel right now coz' they're not going through the same thing. I kinda feel that no one understands what I am going through right now, the physical pain.

I'm feeling the pain in my shoulders that's going straight to my neck and adds up a little eye strain once in a while. I can't even have a straight long sleep.

At night, I always fall asleep fast, and kinda wishing that it would be the last time I'll close my eyes. As much as I don't want to leave my family, my friends, the people I knew behind, I just want to end this suffering I'm going through. Yes, it's really painful and going through with it everyday is not easy. I know that a lot of people are going through the same pains, some are even more severe that what I have right now, but still keeping a positive mind and keep on fighting through it. Maybe I'm not that strong enough to fight for it. I'm scared to suffer more and experience more caustic pains.

For almost a month now, I've been doing the same stuff everyday. Wake up EARLY in the morning, go to work, jog around the village, take a bath, go to my mom's eatery business, talk/play with my sisters after, and then go to sleep. I came up with this plan to maximize my time with my family. I just want to enjoy everyday that I am with them.

I guess I'm a chicken to kill myself. Too scared to go to hell and to get the suffering for a lifetime sentence.

Don't know what to do and don't know what's happening. Scared to know what's going on with me coz' it might really turn out to be life threatening. God, please help me face the reality and may you take all the pains that I'm having right now. Help me to overcome everything that I'm going through right now and please give me strength to face it everyday.

It's been almost a month now since this "illness" started. Kinda getting used to it and once in a while, still makes everything frustrating. As always, I woke up again, early in the morning, pain in my arms and legs, seems they've worked 24 hours.

I think I'm getting better, when it comes to my mental state. I'm no longer depressed or anxious. The medication helps a lot. Tomorrow is my 2nd session with my psychiatrist and we're going to have a "heart to heart" talk again.

I'm really grateful with my family and friends. They keep on praying for me and hoping for my fast recovery. They even suggested a few things that could help me cope up with the depression and stress, that I'm no longer having. I can also do now the things that I was able to do before. In short, I'm in a better state than I was the first week this started. Pains are still kicking in once in a while.

I had a whole body massage last night thinking that this might be muscle cramps. But then again, obviously this morning, the pain is still there. Oh, and I'm still having headaches once in a while. Kinda getting scared about it though. Hopefully it's now a brain tumor or anything like that.

My back and throat is hurting right now but not that severe though. My neck hurts too. Maybe the bionic masseur is the culprit for it though I already had this even before the massage. Eyes are getting tired too once in a while. Having this "pounding" feeling at the back of my eyes once in a while. Around twice or thrice a day. Belching is also added to my daily routine. And I mean burping a lot. Like twice or thrice every hour and I really have no idea it it's normal.

Again, this is a blog and documentation of what's happening with me. So this blog would be really be MORE about me and definitely MORE rantings about my pains. If you're kinda getting tired of all the rantings, just press the "X" button at the upper right corner of your window. :)

Hmmm. Let's talk about the only good news that I have. I'm gaining my weight back. I've said for the past weeks that I've lost 10 pounds in a matter of 2 weeks, and now, I'm gaining it back. I'm on my way to 60kg again.

Starting from here, I'm gonna talk about my reflection for the day. It would be most likely about life and death.

Have you ever questioned yourself when are we going to die? What if we die young and wouldn't be able to reach our dreams? I've been discerning about these questions for the past few days and still searching for an answer, though getting bits of input everyday.

A friend told me that I've already accomplished a lot for a 20 year old. I already started working when I was 18. Graduated when I was 19. Then immediately started to work regularly after graduation. Been to ups and downs of a relationship. Went to a lot of problems and gone through with it. I've also been to a lot of places. Not that I'm bragging. So thinking about it, I think I've experienced enough, good and bad, in this world and that anytime God decided to take me, I would be ready. At the back of my mind, still doubting, am I really ready? Have I put up a good relationship with God? Have I served my purpose here in this world? Have I been good? Have I done enough to help other people? I can half-heartedly answer yes to these questions and yet, is it enough?

We'll just have to see what are God's plan for us. Again, am just hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. :)

God Bless everyone and have an awesome, blessed day ahead.

Facing another day. Again, pain woke me up early this morning, around 4:30 AM. I know that I always complain about the pains and stuff, but how can't you if you feel and suffering from it. I was tossing and turning around again. Can't go back to sleep and just thinking and wishing that the pain would be gone.

My arms and legs were feeling weird this morning. It was really painful and I really have no idea what's going on. I'm going through this everyday. I know that this may sound a little bit off and not right, but sometimes, I wish that I would never wake up and just rest. The pain would be gone along with the suffering.

Again, pains are getting severe each day. More painful and appears everywhere. Back, sides, chest, neck, legs, arms...you name it. Going to sleep and waking up is the hardest part of the day. It's where the pains are kicking in more.

As I was discerning about some thoughts yesterday, I kinda accepted that Death is really inevitable and sometimes, unexpected. We would die eventually and we will never know when it will happen. It could be an accident, a disease, or whatever that can end your life.

I'll be having my next appointment to the psychiatrist this coming Wednesday and I hope that she can really find out what's going on with me. I think I'm already over with the anxiety and depression that people kept on telling me that I have it. They just can't get over the fact that I'm really in pain and enduring it everyday is never easy.

What if they're wrong? What if we, including myself, kept convinced that what I'm going through right now is psychological and in the end, it never is. That this disease/illness is worst enough for it not to be cured. Being a hypochondriac, I've diagnosed myself to a lot of illness. Cancer, Hepatitis, MS, Gall stones, Liver complications...and a lot more. So what if it really turns out to be one of those? I guess we can't do anything about it anymore. So right now, I'm just preparing myself for what's to come. If I get better, then I would be really grateful. If not, then it's alright too, at least I would no longer suffer. God has his own plans for everyone of us and whatever it is, I know it's for the best.

Questions are still coming in. Will I be able to go through this year? Will I be helpful to other people and be "someone" to them? Have I finished my purpose in this world and God is already preparing me to go to the next life? Will I be able to witness what's to come on 2012? Will I ever reach my dreams and fulfill my goals? Will I be able to travel around the world and see its wonders?

Yes, a lot of questions that needs an answer, and I'm still on my way to find it out....

Early in the morning, around 5 AM, the pain in my lower right rib cage woke me up. Everyday is getting harder and harder. Pains are getting more severe and my arms are starting to get numb every morning. I always wake up so early, won't get up in the bed, and just turning, tossing around and just enduring the pain.

I really have no idea what's really going on with me. I can't stop thinking about my old state 3 weeks ago, just before these things started to kick in. The pain in my lower rib cage just started yesterday and it's really really painful. It's not a normal dull pain but a stabbing one. In addition to that, every morning, I get this muscle cramps as if my arms and legs are starting to get numb and in time, I wouldn't be able to feel them.

Frankly, I wish that every night, I would fall to my eternal sleep. Not wishing for death but for the end of all the suffering and pain.

Everyday for me is torture and yet I'm just trying to enjoy every moment of it. I always look and enjoy my parent's smile, my sister's voices, my brother's rantings, every moment that I could spend with them.

My memory is getting poorer, in addition to these things that are already a problem. I kept on forgetting little stuff. Sometimes, I keep on forgetting where I put my phone, the person I talked to the phone, and some things that needed to be done.

I don't know if what I am going through right now is life-threatening or not. But as just what I've said earlier, I'm just enjoying every moment of it and just trying to endure the pain an not mind it at all.

We'll never know when will be the time that God will call us, that includes myself. I guess God really have plans for us and we just have to deal whatever he gives us. I guess God is trying to make me stronger or even preparing me to leave this mortal world. We really wouldn't know for sure. Let's just hope for the best and prepare for the unexpected.

With these thoughts on my mind, I still have one question. "What's really going on with me?"

Friday. Just another day. For the past few days, I'm still experiencing pains. That includes chest pains (both sides), back pain most of the time, muscle cramps all over the body, rib pain, neck, more belching, vomiting once in a while, and headaches. I really have no idea what's really going on with me. And as most people have said, "It's all in the mind". I think it's easier said than done. How can you stop thinking about it if you kept on feeling it? But as much as I can, I'm not minding them at all. I'm just living my life and trying to do all the things that I have to do. I guess I'll just have to wait for the "illness" to be severe enough for the doctors to find out what it is.

As day goes by, I'm kinda preparing myself for what's to come. Yes, I think of Death. I've never been this prayerful and faithful to God, always asking for his guidance and strength. I am now enjoying every moment of my life. The breeze that I feel every morning, the birds singing, every chance that I get to talk with my family, EVERYTHING IS A TREASURE.

Oddly, while I was jogging a few days ago, my tears started to fall. Thinking that sooner or later I'll be gone in this world (still doesn't know when), I'll be leaving my family behind. As much as I don't want to think about it, thoughts are still kicking in. I really love them so much and I still want to spend more time with them. I still want to make my parents proud, I still want to joke around with my sisters, see my Ate Tin's baby, see everyone starting a family and as for myself, I still want to travel around the world, be a professional photographer, meet that special person, go sky diving, ride a train in Japan...simple stuff and yet starting to get vague because of what's to come.

We'll never know when's the time. All I know is we have to live everyday as if it's the last. When that time has come, God's call, I'm going to miss everyone. I'm going to miss my family, my friends, the people who's been part of my life, my experiences, the things that I've done, the laughter and sadness that I shared with everyone, the problems that I've been through that made me a stronger person...I'll really MISS EVERYTHING.

Another day and again, will face another 24 hours. Waking up is never easy, especially when you're suffering from hypochondriasis. This is the second day that I am under medication of anti-anxiety meds. I guess it's keeping me away from thinking about weird stuff and preventing me from going nuts. Until now, I don't know if I'm really suffering from hypochondriasis, or I'm really having pains and people are just assuming I'm just over reacting and looking over the symptoms. As of now, I don't want to think about it too much. It's already taking over my life and I get weaker and weaker by day. At least now, being under the medication, I'm feeling much better, though having pains once in a while.

Today, I'm experiencing chest pains again, esp. in the lower part of my chest (both left and right side). I'm also having some sore throat but it's not really that painful. I just get this twitching feeling once in a while. I think I'm functioning normally aside from all those symptoms that I'm experiencing. I just really hope and pray that there's nothing serious happening with me. As far as I can remember, everything started, this paranoia, from frequent headaches and joint pains. For the fact that I've been to several doctors that includes; 3 Internal Medicine, Orthopedic, Rheumatologist, Cardiologist, Pulmonologist, Gastroentologist and recently a Psychiatrist.

Unlike last week, I can barely function. I always find myself staring at nowhere. Thinking about weird stuff. Waking up as early as 4.30 a.m. and just thinking about MORE weird stuff. It's really a torture for me that's why I'm kinda not looking forward on waking up the next day. I admit, I've been suicidal. I'm thinking that the only way to end this suffering and pain is death. But it's kinda ironic, I'm afraid of it and yet I'm asking for it to end all of this.

Still feeling the joint pains and the muscle pains but the doctor said that there's nothing wrong with it, so I'm not minding it at all. Hopefully, it's nothing but tissue or muscle cramps. I also get gas a lot in the morning, plus the burping. I really have no idea if it's normal for someone who's suffering from anxiety and depression but again, hopefully, it is.

I've already lost 10 pounds in just 2 weeks. And I already miss my old quirky self. I miss doing all the stuff that I've been doing before and I miss talking to my friends and sleeping late at night. I really really miss everything.

I guess I'm already in a better state than last week but I wish for now is for all the pains to be gone. I'm kinda getting tired of it and every time I feel them, I always think that I have this serious or life-threatening illness. Kinda driving me crazy but thankfully, the meds help a lot.

I guess this will be my rant for the day. It's just the start of the day. Kinda not looking forward for what's to come. I'd still hope and pray for the best. :)

Wish me luck and God Bless....