Ok. The usual routine, I woke up early in the morning because of the pain in my arms and legs, tossing, turning around on my bed and can't get back to sleep. Started to hear the 4AM rosary prayer in the radio, made the sign of the cross, then went back minding the pain. It's the kind of pain where blood stopped running through your veins and half of your body starts to get numb but still get the tingling, sharp, stabbing feeling. It will be gone around 7AM. Yes, enduring it for 3 hours is no joke.
Things are getting worse again. My back is mildly swelling right now, just beside the the spine where it hurts usually. Maybe it got worst when I had a back massage. It hurts once in a while. Feeling mild chest pains again, both left and right. I know people are getting tired of hearing about my pains, I guess they wouldn't understand how I feel right now coz' they're not going through the same thing. I kinda feel that no one understands what I am going through right now, the physical pain.
I'm feeling the pain in my shoulders that's going straight to my neck and adds up a little eye strain once in a while. I can't even have a straight long sleep.
At night, I always fall asleep fast, and kinda wishing that it would be the last time I'll close my eyes. As much as I don't want to leave my family, my friends, the people I knew behind, I just want to end this suffering I'm going through. Yes, it's really painful and going through with it everyday is not easy. I know that a lot of people are going through the same pains, some are even more severe that what I have right now, but still keeping a positive mind and keep on fighting through it. Maybe I'm not that strong enough to fight for it. I'm scared to suffer more and experience more caustic pains.
For almost a month now, I've been doing the same stuff everyday. Wake up EARLY in the morning, go to work, jog around the village, take a bath, go to my mom's eatery business, talk/play with my sisters after, and then go to sleep. I came up with this plan to maximize my time with my family. I just want to enjoy everyday that I am with them.
I guess I'm a chicken to kill myself. Too scared to go to hell and to get the suffering for a lifetime sentence.
Don't know what to do and don't know what's happening. Scared to know what's going on with me coz' it might really turn out to be life threatening. God, please help me face the reality and may you take all the pains that I'm having right now. Help me to overcome everything that I'm going through right now and please give me strength to face it everyday.
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