February 4, 2010_THURSDAY

Another day and again, will face another 24 hours. Waking up is never easy, especially when you're suffering from hypochondriasis. This is the second day that I am under medication of anti-anxiety meds. I guess it's keeping me away from thinking about weird stuff and preventing me from going nuts. Until now, I don't know if I'm really suffering from hypochondriasis, or I'm really having pains and people are just assuming I'm just over reacting and looking over the symptoms. As of now, I don't want to think about it too much. It's already taking over my life and I get weaker and weaker by day. At least now, being under the medication, I'm feeling much better, though having pains once in a while.

Today, I'm experiencing chest pains again, esp. in the lower part of my chest (both left and right side). I'm also having some sore throat but it's not really that painful. I just get this twitching feeling once in a while. I think I'm functioning normally aside from all those symptoms that I'm experiencing. I just really hope and pray that there's nothing serious happening with me. As far as I can remember, everything started, this paranoia, from frequent headaches and joint pains. For the fact that I've been to several doctors that includes; 3 Internal Medicine, Orthopedic, Rheumatologist, Cardiologist, Pulmonologist, Gastroentologist and recently a Psychiatrist.

Unlike last week, I can barely function. I always find myself staring at nowhere. Thinking about weird stuff. Waking up as early as 4.30 a.m. and just thinking about MORE weird stuff. It's really a torture for me that's why I'm kinda not looking forward on waking up the next day. I admit, I've been suicidal. I'm thinking that the only way to end this suffering and pain is death. But it's kinda ironic, I'm afraid of it and yet I'm asking for it to end all of this.

Still feeling the joint pains and the muscle pains but the doctor said that there's nothing wrong with it, so I'm not minding it at all. Hopefully, it's nothing but tissue or muscle cramps. I also get gas a lot in the morning, plus the burping. I really have no idea if it's normal for someone who's suffering from anxiety and depression but again, hopefully, it is.

I've already lost 10 pounds in just 2 weeks. And I already miss my old quirky self. I miss doing all the stuff that I've been doing before and I miss talking to my friends and sleeping late at night. I really really miss everything.

I guess I'm already in a better state than last week but I wish for now is for all the pains to be gone. I'm kinda getting tired of it and every time I feel them, I always think that I have this serious or life-threatening illness. Kinda driving me crazy but thankfully, the meds help a lot.

I guess this will be my rant for the day. It's just the start of the day. Kinda not looking forward for what's to come. I'd still hope and pray for the best. :)

Wish me luck and God Bless....